What we do....beer reviews from around the world   

Kalik!...from the Bahamas

Definitely the best beer in the universe.  If you can find a better beer than this, I will eat a bug.  Besides the great taste, Kalik is also able to make people do things they would normally not do; much to the entertainment of all bystanders.  Kalik has been known to:

  • melt shoes

  • cause rioting

  • crash cars

  • give three day hangovers

  • destroy furniture

  • and, most impressively, make Marty Olson puke.


Odense Pilsner!...from Denmark

A beer to be taken seriously.  Consuming large amounts of this causes otherwise peaceful Danes to pound the living shit out of any enemies/friends/bystanders/immovable objects that are within arm's reach.  A real crowd pleaser!


Murrees!...from Pakistan

Makes stewed cowshit look drinkable.  The only beer where you can already feel the hangover halfway through your first bottle.  Best use - poisoning a village's water supply.  Second best use - dump the beer, break the bottle and stab your political opponent with it.


Viking!...from Iceland

At $15 per bottle a better name for it may be, "WhyIcelandersAreAlwaysBroke".  Doesn't even taste very good.


Premier!...from El Salvador

"Great beer for thirsy guerrillas!"   Strong, rugged, not too bubbly, goes down well on a hot, bullet-ridden day.


Miller Lite!...from Ma Schaaf's Fridge in Chicago

Taste like shit but boy, is it cheap!  The best of American beers, drink a dozen and you might even get a buzz!

Gallo!..... from Guatemala

"Gallo" is the Spanish word for "rooster".  In English, another word for rooster is "cock".  So what you don't want to say when in Guatemala is, "C'mon boys, let's go out tonight and suck down a few Gallos."   Other than that semantic pitfall, this beer is harmless.  We drank a few Gallos with our buddies Eric, Eduardo, and Karen while visiting Antigua, Guatemala.   We tried another kind of beer there as well but I can't remember the name or the taste so I guess that Gallo get the Olson Stamp of Quality Brew.

Imperial!....from Costa Rica

As far as I can tell, Costa Ricans are real lightweight drinkers.  Most of them prefer soda pops to beer and that is just sick.  The ones that do drink prefer Imperial which is just as weak as American beer but has even more carbonation which makes you belch mucho.  And for a well-mannered guy like me that is just not on.  But if you are a poor, dreadlock backpacker selling karma beads to tourists for a living then this is likely the only beer you can afford (75 cents per bottle).  If you are on a slightly higher budget, see next beer.

Bavaria!.....from Costa Rica

This is my favorite Costa Rican beer.  Less carbonation than Imperial, more alcohol, better taste, and the name makes you think of nice German desserts.  And at less than a buck each it is a great bargain.


Singha!....from Thailand

Before I discovered Kalik in the Bahamas, Singha was the best beer in the world.  And since it is about one quarter the price of Kalik then it definitely is the best beer in the world for cheapskate backpackers.  One of the most memorable moments of my life was spending Christmas morning at a beautiful $5/night hostel in Phuket with a wonderfully bizarre crew of impromptu friends which included a Vancouver chef, a father/son team from Australia, a couple Kiwis, an Englishman who designed crash test dummies, and a guy named Rusty who I had gone to high school with but had not seen for years.  My most prized piece of clothing is my Singha beer shirt which has survived many a drunken adventure since then.  So drink as much as you can and don't forget to pick up a shirt on Koh San Road in Bangkok.

Belikin!....from Belize

I can recommend the country but can't recommend the beer.  After scarfing five or six while chatting with the great IronMike Schaaf, I got up to take my first piss and could walk with absolutely no staggering so that immediately made the alcohol content suspect.   But the stuff tastes pretty good so I guess I could recommend it as a fine lemonade.  Or better yet, the Belizians are such wonderful people that they might buy even buy you one, as our friends Joe, Bernard, and Jeffrey did.  And hey, any free beer is good beer!

Beer!....from Saskatoon

That's right, who cares what the label says!  The prarie folk don't!  As long as it is cold, yellow, and served in 160 oz Titanic jugs then everybody is happy.  It just comes in varying degrees of deliciousness.  The best beers are obviously beers consumed on fishing trips.  The next best are beers stolen from your mom's cooler.   The only thing that beats a cold beer on the praries is a tall rye and coke at Bud's on Broadway but since this is a beer review we will have to leave that one as an insider's secret.....

Parbo!....from Suriname

Here's how it works.  The beer comes in three sizes; Sissy (250 ml), Decent (500 ml), and OlsonBeast (1.5 litres).  You know which one I prefer.  But the little ones are good if you are a lightweight because then you can brag to your friends that you were able to pound back a dozen brewskies!  On the other hand, the OlsonBeast size is more appropriate for hosers with a big thirst.  The only problem is that they won't sell you a full one in the store unless you bring back an empty bottle.  I don't know how the hell you are supposed to get your first empty bottle, maybe it is an honour thing and you have to kill someone for theirs.  Well, since I am a better drinker than a killer I am just sticking with the medium sized ones.

Banks!....from Barbados

I think it is a great name for a beer.  Banks.  Makes me think of two things, first, the nice sandbanks around Barbados and second, the blossoming offshore financial industry there.  And the beer is pretty good.  When in Barbados, you pretty much have to drink Banks because most bars usually only sell two other types of beer - Heinekin and Carib.  Heinekin is normally drinkable, but they serve it here in these teeny bottles that are gone in two gulps...and the price is the same!.  And Carib, well, Carib just sucks.  See review below.

Carib!....from Trinidad and Tobago

To me, this beer tastes like shit.  I don't know why it's so popular in the Caribbean.  It has a very strong, bitter, yucky taste.  You could compare it to a Corona that has been sitting in the sun for 4 days.  Avoid, avoid, avoid.


Piton!....from St. Lucia

I have no idea what the word "Piton" means, but it sounds like something a Frenchman might yell at you after you have cut him off on the road.  Then you just give him the finger, say "Piton a tu!" and drive away.  Regardless of the name, the beer is damn good.  We drank some ice cold Pitons in St. Vincent which were delightful.  I haven't seen them available in many other islands which is a shame because they are even better than Banks.  They had a local beer in St. Vincent but I can't remember its name though I do remember it was not not memorable.  How do you like that sentence?

Super Bock!....from Portugal

Have you ever heard such a ridiculous beer name in your life?  What the hell does "Super Bock" mean?  Ana tells me there's no Portuguese translation for this.  But to me, the word "Super" sounds like, well, "Super".  And "Bock"?  Reminds me of "Spock".  And as far as I know, Mr. Spock was not know for his beer drinking abilities.  Regardless of the silly name, the beer was decent.  But not as good as the wine in Portugal.  Even though I am a beermonster I must admit that I drank a lot more wine than beer.  The main reason for this was the lunatic Dane Martin Olsen was with me so every time I put one bottle of wine in the shopping cart he would add in another three or four.  Plus the wine was super cheap and very good so we took full advantage and gave ourselves some wonderful red wine hangovers.

Especial!.....from The Azores

There are not too many places left in the world where you can pay less than a buck US for half a litre of beer.  And usually the beer is horrible.  Well, in the beautiful islands of the Azores you can purchase a delicious "caneca" of Especial for this low, low price!  It may take you a while to get the hang of the Portuguese pronunciation (like "eshpesial) but once you do...well, good luck.  Especial does have one interesting quality.  One night out in Ponta  Delgada, the capital city, the great Toddy Van Hees and I drank quite a number of litres.  As we left the bar, I felt this strange sensation in the depths of my gut, when all of a sudden there was this volcanic eruption of beer foam from my mouth which I hoarked onto the sidewalk.  After that I felt fine.  Guess it must have something to do with the volcanic spring water they use in the brewing process...

Presidente!....from Dominican Republic

Beer commercials.  Sure, you've seen lots of them.  You know, when the camera pans in on bottles of beer that are so cold the bottle is covered with a thin layer of frost and crystals of ice are falling off.  Now how many times in your life have you actually been served a beer like that?  Too often, some old barmaid battleaxe plops a lukewarm, pissy bottle in front of you which feels like it's been sitting in the sun for half an hour.  Well, with Presidente you don't have to worry.  No matter where you buy it, this beer is always served frosty cold, so much that the first sip freezes your tongue.  This is obviously the result of the Presidente company's monopolistic marketing strategy in the Dom Rep.  You see, when a new bar is opening they are visited by a Presidente representative who offers them a free Presidente super-deluxe atomic beer fridge...but under the condition that they serve no other beer.  Seems bloody brilliant to me!  And lucky for the Dominicans, Presidente beer tastes great, is high in alcohol and is quite cheap.  What more could you ask for?

Cristal!.... from Cuba

Cuba is famous for great cigars and great commies but how many times have you heard somebody rave about Cuban beer?  Actually, it's not all that bad, but it has an unusual quality that I have never seen before.  There must be some sort of turbo foaming agent added to the beer during the production process.  You see, no matter how carefully and slowly you pour the beer down the inside of you glass, by the time the beer hits the bottom it has exploded into a white fluffy foam.  Then you need to either wait for the foam to settle so you can pour more or you can try to "dreat" (that's a cross between "drink" and "eat") the foam but I find that repulsive.  Either way, you are better to skip the glass, drink straight from the bottle, and let the incredible foaming process take place in you belly.  Just be careful with the beer burps, you don't want to spray foam!

Medalla!.... from Puerto Rico

It is not a well known fact that Puerto Rico is actually part of the United States. But it is a well known fact that American beer is for lightweights.  Medalla is no exception, though I would say that it tastier than the average.  And like a true all-American beer, you can pound them back all day long and hardly get drunk!

Prestige!.... from Haiti

Hmmm, Haitian beer.  Considering this beer is made in a country where there is hardly any topsoil left to grow anything, I really do wonder what it is made from.  I enjoyed my first and only Prestige beer while watching a most disturbing voodoo ceremony in northern Haiti where the highlights included a licking a burning stick, eating glass, then biting the head off a chicken.  I must admit that I was so transfixed by the show that I barely remember what the beer tasted like, though I am certain it tasted much better than the chicken head the Haitian bloke was eating.

Ringnes!.... from Norway

A delicious beer!!  And if you save up all your pocket money for a month or two you might actually have enough to buy one!  Like all the lunatic Scandinavian countries, the alcohol is extremely expensive and a bottle of Ringnes could set you back about $12 if you buy it in a club.  But that doesn't stop those crazy Norskies from getting shitfaced drunk every Friday night in the town centre.  Luckily for me, when I visited Norway I stayed with uncle Gerry and uncle Gerry always had lots of Ringnes in the fridge.  Then I could drink all of uncle Gerry's beer before going into town to stumble around with the rest of the drunks, who had likely all just come from their own personal "uncle Gerry's" house.  I think everybody should have an uncle Gerry.

Heinekin!..... from The Netherlands

My friend Ton said to me, "After spending all that time in Holland, why don't you have any reviews of Dutch beer??".  Well, here's one for you.  Heinekin sucks!  There are plenty of great Dutch beers (such as the white beers) but unfortunately I can't remember the names of any of the real good ones so I'll just slag off Heinekin instead.  Heinekin is the McDonalds of beer; you can buy it in every country in the world, it always tastes the same, and you never ever choose it unless there's absolutely nothing else.  Heinekin is the world's greatest second choice beer.  In fact, when we were in The Netherlands I bought a few cases of Heinekin for a party we had which is a great party beer (Want a Heinekin?  "You got anything else?"  No.  "Sure").  There were quite a few lightweights at the party so there were lots of beer left over.  And those beers sat in my beer fridge for so long that the bottles started to grow mould on the outside and I had to wash them.  A truly disgraceful moment in my beer drinking career.

Castle Lager!.... from South Africa

Quite an ordinary beer but man is it cheap!!  I bought a case of 24 Castles for six dollars!!  I enjoyed a fair number of Castles when we visited South Africa but my truly memorable experience with this beer was in Pakistan.  I had a huge night out with the South African cricket team after they won their match with Pakistan in Lahore.  I went back to Jonty Rhodes room with a bunch of the guys and they had crates of Castle stacked up to the ceiling!  So we drank and drank and I was so happy since beer was at times hard to come by in Pakistan.  Well at some point the great man was overwhelmed with such abundant generosity and I had a little "accident" on Jonty's bed but amazingly none of the fifteen other guys in the room noticed my hacking.  So I did a quiet "exit stage left" and hightailed it back to my own room, which I eventually found.  Don't tell him it was me.

Emu Bitter!.... from Western Australia

This is a middle of the range beer that stands head and shoulders above the rest of the mid rangers.  A true blue drinking man's beer.  Okkers love it and ferals fear it (that's some aussie slang for you!).  And when I tried to order it in eastern Australia the barkeeps didn't have a clue.  Must be WA's best kept secret.  Only problem is that if you consume it in large quantities it has been known to cause unusual sleepwalking behavior, in fact, too unusual to even describe on this website - better ask me in person.

Arequipena and Cuscena!.... from Peru

Although the labels are different, the beers are definitely the same.  They are each named after the particular town they are sold in and are obviously meant to be the 'regional' beer - an old marketing classic.  Anyway, they suck.  I have never drank a beer with so much carbonation.  They don't foam that much when you pour them but as soon as they hit your mouth, it's like a carbonation carnival.  The sound of a man drinking a normal beer is: "glug glug, glug glug, berrrrrrp".  The sound of a man drinking one of these CO2 wonders is  "glug berrp, glug berrp, glug berrp".  Unfortunately, most of the places we went had only these brands so I was forced to abandon beer and go with the local pisco sours which were fantastic!

Huani Pilsner mixed with Coke!.... from Bolivia

Now this was something brand new.  After a long, rough day on the road in Bolivia we arrived in this filthy town and found a hotel and a pizza joint to get some food.  We sat down at our table and I ordered a Huani Pilsner beer, which came in a one litre bottle and cost one dollar, which was a pretty good start.  The beer was quite good and I was halfway through the bottle when these four young girls came in, sat at the table next to us, lit up smokes, and ordered a large coke and a large beer from the waiter.  The waiter returns, half fills each of their glasses with Coke then fills the rest with the beer and they start drinking it...through straws.  This was one of the most disgusting things I've seen, yuck!




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