|
What we
do....beer reviews from around the world
Kalik!...from the
Bahamas
Definitely the best beer in the universe. If you
can find a better beer than this, I will eat a bug. Besides the great taste, Kalik
is also able to make people do things they would normally not do; much to the
entertainment of all bystanders. Kalik has been known to:
Odense
Pilsner!...from Denmark
A beer to be taken seriously. Consuming large
amounts of this causes otherwise peaceful Danes to pound the living shit out of any
enemies/friends/bystanders/immovable objects that are within arm's reach. A real
crowd pleaser!
Murrees!...from
Pakistan
Makes stewed cowshit look drinkable. The only
beer where you can already feel the hangover halfway through your first bottle. Best
use - poisoning a village's water supply. Second best use - dump the beer, break the
bottle and stab your political opponent with it.
Viking!...from
Iceland
At $15 per bottle a better name for it may be,
"WhyIcelandersAreAlwaysBroke". Doesn't even taste very good.
Premier!...from
El Salvador
"Great beer for thirsy
guerrillas!"
Strong, rugged, not too bubbly, goes down well on a hot, bullet-ridden day.
Miller Lite!...from Ma Schaaf's Fridge in Chicago
Taste like shit but boy, is it cheap! The best of
American beers, drink a dozen and you might even get a buzz!
Gallo!..... from Guatemala
"Gallo" is the Spanish word for "rooster". In English, another
word for rooster is "cock". So what you don't want to say when in
Guatemala is, "C'mon boys, let's go out tonight and suck down a few Gallos."
Other than that semantic pitfall, this beer is harmless. We drank a few
Gallos with our buddies Eric, Eduardo, and Karen while visiting Antigua, Guatemala.
We tried another kind of beer there as well but I can't remember the name or the
taste so I guess that Gallo get the Olson Stamp of Quality Brew.
Imperial!....from
Costa Rica
As far as I can tell, Costa Ricans are real lightweight drinkers. Most of them
prefer soda pops to beer and that is just sick. The ones that do drink prefer
Imperial which is just as weak as American beer but has even more carbonation which makes
you belch mucho. And for a well-mannered guy like me that is just not on. But
if you are a poor, dreadlock backpacker selling karma beads to tourists for a living then
this is likely the only beer you can afford (75 cents per bottle). If you are on a
slightly higher budget, see next beer.
Bavaria!.....from Costa Rica
This is my favorite Costa Rican beer. Less carbonation than Imperial, more alcohol, better taste, and
the name makes you think of nice German desserts. And at less than a buck each it is
a great bargain.
Singha!....from
Thailand
Before I discovered Kalik in the Bahamas, Singha
was the best beer in the world. And since it is about one quarter the price of Kalik then it definitely is the best beer in the
world for cheapskate backpackers. One of the most memorable moments of my life was
spending Christmas morning at a beautiful $5/night hostel in Phuket with a wonderfully
bizarre crew of impromptu friends which included a Vancouver chef, a father/son team from
Australia, a couple Kiwis, an Englishman who designed crash test dummies, and a guy named
Rusty who I had gone to high school with but had not seen for years. My most prized
piece of clothing is my Singha beer shirt which has survived many a drunken adventure
since then. So drink as much as you can and don't forget to pick up a shirt on Koh
San Road in Bangkok.
Belikin!....from
Belize
I can recommend the country but can't recommend the beer. After scarfing five or six
while chatting with the great IronMike Schaaf, I got up to take my first piss and could
walk with absolutely no staggering so that immediately made the alcohol content suspect.
But the stuff tastes pretty good so I guess I could recommend it as a fine
lemonade. Or better yet, the Belizians are such wonderful people that they might buy
even buy you one, as our friends Joe, Bernard, and Jeffrey did. And hey, any free
beer is good beer!
Beer!....from
Saskatoon
That's right, who cares what the label says! The prarie folk don't! As long as
it is cold, yellow, and served in 160 oz Titanic jugs then everybody is happy. It
just comes in varying degrees of deliciousness. The best beers are obviously beers
consumed on fishing trips. The next best are beers stolen from your mom's cooler.
The only thing that beats a cold beer on the praries is a tall rye and coke at
Bud's on Broadway but since this is a beer review we will have to leave that one as an
insider's secret.....
Parbo!....from
Suriname
Here's how it works. The beer comes in three sizes; Sissy (250 ml), Decent
(500 ml), and OlsonBeast (1.5 litres). You know which one I prefer.
But the little ones are good if you are a lightweight because then you can brag
to your friends that you were able to pound back a dozen brewskies! On the
other hand, the OlsonBeast size is more appropriate for hosers with a big
thirst. The only problem is that they won't sell you a full one in the
store unless you bring back an empty bottle. I don't know how the hell you
are supposed to get your first empty bottle, maybe it is an honour thing and you
have to kill someone for theirs. Well, since I am a better drinker than a
killer I am just sticking with the medium sized ones.
Banks!....from
Barbados
I think it is a great name for a beer. Banks. Makes me think of two
things, first, the nice sandbanks around Barbados and second, the blossoming
offshore financial industry there. And the beer is pretty good. When
in Barbados, you pretty much have to drink Banks because most bars usually only
sell two other types of beer - Heinekin and Carib. Heinekin is normally
drinkable, but they serve it here in these teeny bottles that are gone in two
gulps...and the price is the same!. And Carib, well, Carib just sucks.
See review below.
Carib!....from
Trinidad and Tobago
To me, this beer tastes like shit. I don't know why it's so popular in the
Caribbean. It has a very strong, bitter, yucky taste. You could
compare it to a Corona that has been sitting in the sun for 4 days. Avoid,
avoid, avoid.
Piton!....from
St. Lucia
I have no idea what the word "Piton" means, but it sounds like
something a Frenchman might yell at you after you have cut him off on the road.
Then you just give him the finger, say "Piton a tu!" and drive away.
Regardless of the name, the beer is damn good. We drank some ice cold
Pitons in St. Vincent which were delightful. I haven't seen them available
in many other islands which is a shame because they are even better than Banks.
They had a local beer in St. Vincent but I can't remember its name though I do
remember it was not not memorable. How do you like that sentence?
Super
Bock!....from Portugal
Have you ever heard such a ridiculous beer name in your life? What the
hell does "Super Bock" mean? Ana tells me there's no Portuguese
translation for this. But to me, the word "Super" sounds like,
well, "Super". And "Bock"? Reminds me of
"Spock". And as far as I know, Mr. Spock was not know for his
beer drinking abilities. Regardless of the silly name, the beer was
decent. But not as good as the wine in Portugal. Even though I am a
beermonster I must admit that I drank a lot more wine than beer. The main
reason for this was the lunatic Dane Martin Olsen was with me so every time I
put one bottle of wine in the shopping cart he would add in another three or
four. Plus the wine was super cheap and very good so we took full
advantage and gave ourselves some wonderful red wine hangovers.
Especial!.....from
The Azores
There are not too many places left in the
world where you can pay less than a buck US for half a litre of beer. And
usually the beer is horrible. Well, in the beautiful islands of the Azores
you can purchase a delicious "caneca" of Especial for this low, low
price! It may take you a while to get the hang of the Portuguese
pronunciation (like "eshpesial) but once you do...well, good luck.
Especial does have one interesting quality. One night out in Ponta
Delgada, the capital city, the great Toddy Van Hees and I drank quite a number
of litres. As we left the bar, I felt this strange sensation in the depths
of my gut, when all of a sudden there was this volcanic eruption of beer foam
from my mouth which I hoarked onto the sidewalk. After that I felt
fine. Guess it must have something to do with the volcanic spring water
they use in the brewing process...
Presidente!....from
Dominican Republic
Beer commercials. Sure, you've seen
lots of them. You know, when the camera pans in on bottles of beer that
are so cold the bottle is covered with a thin layer of frost and crystals of ice
are falling off. Now how many times in your life have you actually been
served a beer like that? Too often, some old barmaid battleaxe plops a
lukewarm, pissy bottle in front of you which feels like it's been sitting in the
sun for half an hour. Well, with Presidente you don't have to worry.
No matter where you buy it, this beer is always served frosty cold, so much that
the first sip freezes your tongue. This is obviously the result of the
Presidente company's monopolistic marketing strategy in the Dom Rep. You
see, when a new bar is opening they are visited by a Presidente representative
who offers them a free Presidente super-deluxe atomic beer fridge...but under
the condition that they serve no other beer. Seems bloody brilliant to
me! And lucky for the Dominicans, Presidente beer tastes great, is high in
alcohol and is quite cheap. What more could you ask for?
Cristal!....
from Cuba
Cuba is famous for great cigars and great
commies but how many times have you heard somebody rave about Cuban beer?
Actually, it's not all that bad, but it has an unusual quality that I have never
seen before. There must be some sort of turbo foaming agent added to the
beer during the production process. You see, no matter how carefully and
slowly you pour the beer down the inside of you glass, by the time the beer hits
the bottom it has exploded into a white fluffy foam. Then you need to
either wait for the foam to settle so you can pour more or you can try to "dreat"
(that's a cross between "drink" and "eat") the foam but I
find that repulsive. Either way, you are better to skip the glass, drink
straight from the bottle, and let the incredible foaming process take place in
you belly. Just be careful with the beer burps, you don't want to spray
foam!
Medalla!....
from Puerto Rico
It is not a well known fact that Puerto Rico
is actually part of the United States. But it is a well known fact that American
beer is for lightweights. Medalla is no exception, though I would say that
it tastier than the average. And like a true all-American beer, you can
pound them back all day long and hardly get drunk!
Prestige!....
from Haiti
Hmmm, Haitian beer. Considering this
beer is made in a country where there is hardly any topsoil left to grow
anything, I really do wonder what it is made from. I enjoyed my first and
only Prestige beer while watching a most disturbing voodoo ceremony in northern
Haiti where the highlights included a licking a burning stick, eating glass,
then biting the head off a chicken. I must admit that I was so transfixed
by the show that I barely remember what the beer tasted like, though I am
certain it tasted much better than the chicken head the Haitian bloke was
eating.
Ringnes!....
from Norway
A delicious beer!! And if you save up
all your pocket money for a month or two you might actually have enough to buy
one! Like all the lunatic Scandinavian countries, the alcohol is extremely
expensive and a bottle of Ringnes could set you back about $12 if you buy it in
a club. But that doesn't stop those crazy Norskies from getting shitfaced
drunk every Friday night in the town centre. Luckily for me, when I
visited Norway I stayed with uncle Gerry and uncle Gerry always had lots of
Ringnes in the fridge. Then I could drink all of uncle Gerry's beer before
going into town to stumble around with the rest of the drunks, who had likely
all just come from their own personal "uncle Gerry's" house. I
think everybody should have an uncle Gerry.
Heinekin!..... from The
Netherlands
My friend Ton said to me, "After
spending all that time in Holland, why don't you have any reviews of
Dutch beer??". Well, here's one for you. Heinekin sucks!
There are plenty of great Dutch beers (such as the white beers) but
unfortunately I can't remember the names of any of the real good ones so
I'll just slag off Heinekin instead. Heinekin is the McDonalds of
beer; you can buy it in every country in the world, it always tastes the
same, and you never ever choose it unless there's absolutely nothing
else. Heinekin is the world's greatest second choice beer.
In fact, when we were in The Netherlands I bought a few cases of
Heinekin for a party we had which is a great party beer (Want a Heinekin?
"You got anything else?" No. "Sure"). There were quite
a few lightweights at the party so there were lots of beer left over.
And those beers sat in my beer fridge for so long that the bottles
started to grow mould on the outside and I had to
wash them. A
truly disgraceful moment in my beer drinking career.
Castle Lager!.... from
South Africa
Quite an ordinary beer but man is it cheap!! I
bought a case of 24 Castles for six dollars!! I enjoyed a fair
number of Castles when we visited South Africa but my truly memorable
experience with this beer was in Pakistan. I had a huge night out
with the South African cricket team after they won their match with
Pakistan in Lahore. I went back to Jonty Rhodes room with a bunch
of the guys and they had crates of Castle stacked up to the ceiling!
So we drank and drank and I was so happy since beer was at times hard to
come by in Pakistan. Well at some point the great man was
overwhelmed with such abundant generosity and I had a little "accident"
on Jonty's bed but amazingly none of the fifteen other guys in the room
noticed my hacking. So I did a quiet "exit stage left" and
hightailed it back to my own room, which I eventually found. Don't
tell him it was me.
Emu Bitter!.... from
Western Australia
This is a middle of the range beer that stands head and
shoulders above the rest of the mid rangers. A true blue drinking man's beer. Okkers love it and ferals fear it (that's some aussie slang for you!).
And when I tried to order it in eastern Australia the barkeeps didn't
have a clue. Must be WA's best kept secret. Only problem is
that if you consume it in large quantities it has been known to cause
unusual sleepwalking behavior, in fact, too unusual to even describe on
this website - better ask me in person.
Arequipena and
Cuscena!.... from Peru
Although the labels are different, the beers are
definitely the same. They are each named after the particular town
they are sold in and are obviously meant to be the 'regional' beer - an
old marketing classic. Anyway, they suck. I have never drank
a beer with so much carbonation. They don't foam that much when
you pour them but as soon as they hit your mouth, it's like a
carbonation carnival. The sound of a man drinking a normal beer
is: "glug glug, glug glug, berrrrrrp". The sound of a man drinking
one of these CO2 wonders is "glug berrp, glug berrp,
glug berrp". Unfortunately, most of the places we went had only
these brands so I was forced to abandon beer and go with the local pisco
sours which were fantastic!
Huani Pilsner
mixed with Coke!.... from Bolivia
Now this was something brand new.
After a long, rough day on the road in Bolivia we arrived in this filthy
town and found a hotel and a pizza joint to get some food. We sat
down at our table and I ordered a Huani Pilsner beer, which came in a
one litre bottle and cost one dollar, which was a pretty good start.
The beer was quite good and I was halfway through the bottle when these
four young girls came in, sat at the table next to us, lit up smokes,
and ordered a large coke and a large beer from the waiter. The
waiter returns, half fills each of their glasses with Coke then fills
the rest with the beer and they start drinking it...through straws.
This was one of the most disgusting things I've seen, yuck!
|
